Every night, after dinner, he took off for the local watering
hole. He spent the whole evening there, and arrived home, well
inebriated, around midnight each night.
He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole, and
getting the door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the
door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at
him, for his constant nights out, and coming home in a drunken state.
But, Harry continued his nightly routine.
One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband's
behavior, and was particularly distraught by it all.
The friend listened to her, and then said, "Why don't you treat
him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him,
why don't you give him some loving words, and welcome him home with
a kiss? He then might change his ways."
The wife thought it was worth trying.
That night, Harry took off again, after dinner. And, about
midnight, he arrived home, in his usual condition. His wife heard
him at the door, quickly went to it, opened the door, and let Harry
This time, instead of berating him, as she had always done, she
took his arm, and led him into the living room. She sat him down in
an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off.
Then she went behind him, and started to cuddle him a little. After a
while, she said to him, "It's pretty late. I think we had better go
upstairs to bed now, don't you?"
At that, Harry replied, in his inebriated state, "I guess we
might as well. I'll get in trouble when I get home anyway!"
SIGNS YOU ARE DRUNK
SIGNS THAT YOU ARE TOO DRUNK:
You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
Job interfering with your drinking.
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!
Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
You can focus better with one eye closed.
The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
You fall off the floor...
Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you
At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you
fell asleep clothed. - hmm.
The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...
You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol,
and [Women or Men].
Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more
Roseanne looks good.
Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.
That damned pink elephant followed me home again.
Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.
I'm as jober as a sudge.
The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.
You wake up screaming "TORO TORO TORO!" in the middle of the night.
A DRUNK GETS UP FROM THE BAR
A DRUNK GETS UP FROM THE BAR AND HEADS FOR THE BATHROOM.
A FEW MINUTES LATER, A LOUD, BLOOD-CURDLING SCREAM IS HEARD COMING FROM THE BATHROOM. A FEW MINUTES AFTER THAT, ANOTHER LOUD SCREAM REVERBERATES THROUGH THE BAR.
THE BARTENDER GOES INTO THE BATHROOM TO INVESTIGATE WHAT THE DRUNK IS SCREAMING ABOUT. "WHAT'S ALL THE SCREAMING ABOUT IN THERE? YOU'RE SCARING MY CUSTOMERS!" "I'M JUST SITTING HERE ON THE TOILET AND EVERY TIME I TRY TO FLUSH, SOMETHING COMES UP AND SQUEEZES THE HELL OUT OF MY BALLS."
WITH THAT, THE BARTENDER OPENS THE DOOR, LOOKS IN AND SAYS, "YOU IDIOT! YOU ARE SITTING ON THE MOP BUCKET!!!!"
A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."
The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."
"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then, we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."
"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Because I'm drunk."
A drunken man staggered in to a Catholic church
A drunken man staggered in to a Catholic church and sat down in
the confession box, but said nothing. The bewildered priest coughed to
attract his attention, but still the man said nothing. The priest then
knocked on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to
speak. Finally, the drunk replied, "No use knockin' mate, there ain't no
paper in this one either."
Drunk in the Bathroom
Drunk in the Bathroom
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A
few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from
bathroom. A few minutes after that, another
loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes
into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming.
"What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring
my customers!" I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try
to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls."
With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says...... "You
You're sitting on the mop bucket!!!!
Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in
Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best sex in town!"
Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end.
Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sw-e-et!"
Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar.
Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!"
Finally the guy interrupts. "Go home, Dad, you're drunk!"
NEW YORK DRUNK
This guy goes up to a bar located at the top of the Empire State Building in
New York. It looks like a nice place and he takes aseat at the bar next to
"This is a nice place, I've never been here", the first guy says.
"Oh really?", the other replies, "it's also a very special bar".
"Why is that?", the first guy asks.
"Well, you see that painting on the far wall? That's an original Van Gogh,
and this stool I'm sitting on was on the Titanic."
"Gee, that's amazing!", the first guy says.
"Not only that, but you see that window over there, fourth from the right?
Well, the wind does strange things outside that window. If you jump out
you'll fall about 50 feet before the wind catchesyou and you're pushed
"No way, that's impossible", the first guy replies.
"Not at all, take a look", the other man replies and walks over to the window,
followed closely by the first man.
He opens the window, climbs over the sill and falls out. He drops10...20...
30...40...50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh! He comes right back up and
sails back through the window.
"See, it's fun. You should try it", he says.
"Try it, I don't even believe I saw it!", the first man shouts.
"It's easy. Watch, I'll do it again". And with that, he falls out the
window again. He drops 10...20...30...40...50 feet, comes to a stop, and
whoosh! He comes right back up and sails back through the window.
"Give it a try, it's a blast", he says.
"Well, what the heck, I'll give it a try", the first man says and
proceeds to fall out the window. He falls 10...20...30...40...50...60...70...
80...90..100 feet and splat! He ends up as road pizza on the sidewalk.
After watching the first man fall to his death, the other guy casually closes
the window and heads back to the bar and ordersanother drink. The bartender
arrives with the drink and says,"You know Superman, you're a real jerk when
DRUNKENESS STAGES EXPLAINED
5 Stages of drunkenness
Stage 1 - SMART This is when you suddenly become an expert
on every subject in the known Universe. You know you know
everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who
will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of
course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This
makes for an interesting argument when both parties are
Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING This is when you realize that you
are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that
people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger
knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you.
Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to
this person about any subject under the sun.
Stage 3 - RICH This is when you suddenly become the richest
person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar
because you have an armored truck full of money parked
behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage,
because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you
win all your bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cos
you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that
you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in
Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF You are now ready to pick fights
with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you
have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can
hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners
of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of
wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle
because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you're BETTER
LOOKING than they are anyway!
Stage 5 - INVISIBLE This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness.
At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE
YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you
fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see
you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to
fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the
top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and
because you're still SMART you know all the words.
TO ALL THE DRUNK WOMEN, YOU KNOW IT'S TIME
TO GO HOME WHEN ...
You have absolutely no idea where your shoes are.
You've just had to get someone to help you pull your pants up in the ladies
You've been flashing your boobs at passers by.
You mistake a police car for a cab and shout obscenities when it doesn't
stop for you.
You drop your 3:00 a.m. burger on the floor, pick it up and carry on
You start crying.
There are less than three hours before you're due to start work.
You've found a deeper side to the office nerd.
The man you're flirting with used to be your 5th grade teacher.
The urge to take all your clothes off, stand on a table and sing
"Hopelessly Devoted To You" becomes strangely overwhelming.
You've forgotten where you live.
You've started to sound like Jessie Ventura from the 60 cigarettes you've
You can't taste the gin in your gin and tonic
You think you're in bed but your pillow feels strangely like pizza.
You start every conversation with, "Don't take this the wrong way but..."
You fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when you sit on it.
You challenge the bouncer to an arm wrestling competition
You're sitting on the floor. On your own.
You show your friends that girls can pee standing up if they really want
You decide to audition for 'StarSearch' via the security cameras.
REDNECK DRUNK DRIVING
Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple
of bottles of Bud.
The passenger, Bubba, said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a po-lice
roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!"
"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin'
these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw
the bottles under the seat."
"What fer?" asked Bubba. "Just let me do the talkin', OK?" said Earl.
Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat,
and each put a label on their forehead.
When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been
.... "No sir," Earl said. "We're on the patch."
DRUNK IN THE BATHROOM
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom.
A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the
A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is
"What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush,
something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls."
With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says...
"You idiot!= " "You're sitting on the mop bucket!
Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the cash?
A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears he has already had plenty to drink and that he could not be served additional liquor. The bartender offers to call a cab for him.
The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down from the bar stool, and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and - still politely if not more firmly - refuses service to the man and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.
A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is drunk and will be served no drinks. He then tells him that he can either call a cab or the police immediately.
The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish cries, "Man! How many bars do you work at?"
DRUNK IN A HOTEL
At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what
time the bar opens.
"It opens at noon," answers the clerk.
About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even
"What time does the bar open?" he asks.
"Same time as before... Noon," replies the clerk.
Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered, "Whatjoo shay the bar
The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can
have room service send something up to you."
"No... I don't wanna git in... Ah wanna git OUT!!!"
A drunk stumbles into a baptismal service
A drunk stumbles into a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He walks down into the water and stand next to the preacher.
The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk replies, "Yesh, Your Honor, I shur am!"
The minister dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" he asked.
"Nooo, Your Highness, I shur dint!" says the drunk. The preacher then dunks him under for a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?" "Noooo, Your Majesty, I shur dint!" the drunk slurs again.
Disgusted, the preacher holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My good man, have you found Jesus YET?"
The drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"