| 1. | W C Fields | I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast. |
| 2. | W C Fields | I never drank anything stronger than beer, before I was twelve. |
| 3. | W C Fields | I exercise extreme self-control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast. |
| 4. | W C Fields | During prohibition he was asked, why if he didn't have a drinking problem, did he buy 300 cases of gin before it started, he replied "I didn't think prohibition would last that long." |
| 5. | George Bernard Shaw | I'm only a beer teetotaler, not a champagne teetotaler, I don't like beer |
| 6. | | Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, couldn't drive, and refused to apologize when wrong. |
| 7. | | Beer math is 2 beers times 37 men equals 49 cases. |
| 8. | | The quality of a champagne is judged by the amount of noise the cork makes when it is popped. |
| 9. | | When you have a bottle of champagne, you will have something to celebrate. |
| 10. | | If life on Earth were to evaporate, and the planet be visited by alien anthropologists, they will wonder at the regularity with which they find brown bottles and aluminum cans in the hollow spaces of concrete walls, and they will conclude that these artifacts represent some sort of offering to some kind of deity with the short name "Beer" and they will discover that the delphic oracle for this God was no doubt a place called "Milwaukee" since it will be there that they will find where most of the icons to this God were created. |
| 11. | | (A)bort, (R)etry, (G)et a beer? |
| 12. | | 24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence? |
| 13. | Benjamin Franklin | Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. |
| 14. | Charles Bukowski | For those who believe in God, most of the big questions are answered. But for those of us who can't readily accept the God formula, the big answers don't remain stone-written. We adjust to new conditions and discoveries. We are pliable. Love need not be a command or faith a dictum. I am my own God. We are here to unlearn the teachings of the church, state, and our educational system. We are here to drink beer. We are here to kill war. We are here to laugh at the odds and live our lives so well that Death will tremble to take us. |
| 15. | Dave Barry | Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. |
| 16. | Dave Barry, Get With The Program | Hardware: This is the part of the computer that stops working when you spill beer on it. |
| 17. | David Moulton | Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine. |
| 18. | Frank Zappa | You can't be a Real Country unless you have a BEER and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a BEER. |
| 19. | Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. | Kilgore Trout once wrote a short story which was a dialogue between two pieces of yeast. They were discussing the possible purposes of life as they ate sugar and suffocated in their own excrement. Because of their limited intelligence, they never came close to guessing that they were making champagne. |